A Tale of Two Magikarp
by Kamejen
Summary: Two Magikarp living deep at the bottom of Lake Hylia accidentally set out on an adventure of epic proportions. As you may have guessed, it's a Pokémon and Zelda crossover.


_Author's Note: This is a joke fic. I may not continue it. It is not meant to be taken seriously. In fact, the word "serious" is illegal, and may never be used again in this story or its reviews under punishment of very frightening, smelly, fishy death. You have been warned._

**Chapter 1: Dangly Bits and Carrots**

Deep at the bottom of lake Hylia, two fish were hidden, watching the murky shadows of goings-on near the water's edge at the surface. They slowly opened and closed their mouths, taking in the cold, refreshing water, and expelling the excess out through their gills. One of them - slightly bigger than the other, and with a bluish tinge to his fins - heaved a great, watery sigh.

"Crappie, this whole life of ours is a sham. We hide down here at the bottom of the lake, day in and day out, where nothing ever happens, and we pretend we don't exist. But why? What's the purpose of it all? Wouldn't life be more interesting if we went closer to the surface? We'd at least get a better view there."

"What'd I tell you about bein' phil-oh-softical?" Crappie's surly voice retorted. "We're Magikarp, Karpie, you great lump! We got no skills, and we don't need 'em! We just swim, eat, and stare off into space! We got no worries, no responsibilities, and no troubles. Life is great! There's no need ta bring your namby-pamby 'I wanna _do_ stuff' moanin' into this, ruinin' my day! So shut yer thick lips!"

"But Crappie," Karpie protested.

"I don't want yer butt, neither!" Crappie growled. "I just wanna rest here and wait for a delicious little bug to fall in and drop down in front of me. I had a long day yesterday, and I'm still bushed!"

"Long day?" Karpie snorted. "All you did was swim a few circles around the temple and bite that Zora between his legs."

"That was a BUSY day," Crappie growled. "And it wasn't fun, neither. That Zora tasted of pond scum and bug dung. I can still taste it. And then the hulky twit seemed to think he'd take a bite outta ME. That was a big enough day for me, thank yer very much."

"But don't you ever think there might be more to see outside of this little lake?" Karpie persisted. "All we ever do is swim around in here and watch the occasional zora or shrimpy guppy swim by. That's no way to live. I want to find out what else is out there. We don't HAVE to stay in here, you know. Sure, if we get out of the water we'll just flop around, but at least we'll see things we haven't seen before."

Crappie eyed his brother with nothing less than sincere repugnance. "I swear you're not yer mother's son," he growled. "She had better sense. Magikarp sense. I had no idea what I was gettin' myself into when I swore I'd look after her 'baby Karpums' when she was gone, Arceus rest her soul."

Karpie rolled his eyes as he always did when Crappie began his "I swear you're not yer mother's son" speech. "Fine!" He interjected, his whiskers curled tightly in anger. "Why don't you just leave me be, then? I'm going up there, and if you want to stay down here rotting at the bottom until the end of your days, then I hope you find the kind of life you want here!" And with that, Karpie sped upwards, boldly swimming with all his might toward the surface – a part of the lake that neither he nor his brother had ever ventured into before.

Crappie watched his brother's ascent with a sort of horrified disgust. Karpie had always been too adventurous for his own good, and now it seemed as though his curiosity was about to land himself into some hot water. Cursing under his breath, Crappie took off after his errant brother. "Get your idiotic tailfin back here!" He hollered, trying to ignore the dread that was rising in his gills as he realized that he was climbing higher than he'd ever dared before in his quiet lake. "So help me, Karpie, I'm gonna skin you alive!"

"Go back to your scummy bottom!" Karpie shouted back, his voice more high-pitched and frantic than usual. "I'm making Magikarp history!"

Within seconds, Karpie had breached the surface. He shot out of the water and thrashed about madly in the air for a few seconds before sailing back down and splashing spectacularly as he reentered the water. Dazed but giddy with his triumph, he shot back downwards, just in case whatever danger might have lain in wait at the surface was now pursuing him. "I did it!" he shouted triumphantly. "I've boldly gone where no 'Karp has ever gone before! I'm king of the world!"

"You're a git!" Crappie rasped, his breath labored and his eyes bulging out in anger and fright. "You could've done us both in! We might not even be out of it yet! Come on! We've got to hide!"

"I'm through hiding," Karpie retorted, puffing out his fins proudly. "You go cower at the bottom if you want. I'm going to go even further. I want the whole world to see that I'm Karpie, and I'm ready to take 'em all on!"

Before either of them could say anything else, they heard a small 'splish' sound. Karpie turned around and saw that right behind him, there was a strange little creature, wriggling and writhing for all it was worth only a couple feet below the surface. Karpie sniffed the water and found that the most intoxicating, delicious aroma was wafting over from the delightfully squirmy, slimy thing.

"Race you to that weird bug!" He cried to Crappie, laughing at the bewildered expression on his face. "We've only been near the surface for a few seconds, and already we're finding better food! What were you so afraid of, anyway?"

"Hold on a minute!" Crappie shouted. "Don't touch that thing! It might not be safe!"

"Psh. I've already told you," Karpie snorted. "I'm through being cautious. It's time to live dangerously!" He rushed forward and seized the scrumptious-looking morsel. Almost immediately, they saw that Crappie had been right. The moment Karpie had bitten it, the wiggly thing somehow embedded itself into the side of his mouth, jabbing him clean through his lip the moment he tried to turn away. Suddenly, he was being yanked toward the water's edge by an unseen force!

"So'thing's got 'e!" he yelled frantically to the terrified Crappie. "Hel' 'e!"

Without another thought, Crappie rushed forward and clamped his teeth down into his brother's tailfin. He swam backward with all his might, and tried his best to counter the unseen force that was drawing his brother toward the bank. At first, it seemed to be working, as they swiftly gained ground in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, it was a fleeting victory, and whatever it was that was pulling Karpie exerted an even greater force – too great for even the two fish to counter on their own. Within less than a minute, they were precariously close to the water's edge, and they dug hard into the muddy bottom, trying frantically to hold their ground.

"Let 'e go!" Karpie begged his brother. "Don't let the' take you too!"

"No!" was Crappie's only reply through his clamped jaws. In only a few more seconds, they lost their hold on the bottom, and they were both hoisted out of the water, Karpie dangling from a metal hook by his lip, and Crappie holding desperately to his tailfin with his strong jaws. They both thrashed about, nearly shaking off Crappie's hold, but it wasn't enough to get the hook to let go of Karpie.

"Ugh!" Link cried aloud when he saw what he'd just caught. "A Hylian Loach these things ain't. They don't even LOOK appetizing. They've got to be the ugliest fish I've ever seen!"

"You ain't much to look at yourself!" Crappie retorted, forgetting his hold on his brother's tailfin, and falling to the sandy ground. He flopped angrily around Link's boots. "Let my brother go!" he snarled at him. "Or so help me, I'll sharpen my teeth on your... whatever that is!" He flopped up onto one of Link's boots and clamped his mouth around the leather, growling and shaking from side to side, but secretly gagging at the foul taste.

"You can talk!" Link yelped, dropping Karpie in his surprise. "I've never met a talking fish before!"

_Somewhere far away and unbeknownst to them all, a fish called simply "Fishman," lets out a sudden sneeze. He readjusted the paintbrush in his mouth and wondered where the sneeze had come from all of the sudden._

"'Course we can talk!" Karpie gasped, relief flooding to his aching mouth as the tension in the fishing line was released. "We're Magikarp. What would you expect us to do? Pantomime at you?"

"This is amazing!" Link remarked with glee. "You two will make a great present to Zelda! She'll go out with me for sure, now! She may even do... things with me!" he continued in an excited whisper. He seemed to be imagining something sinful, because his face was slightly red, and his nose had a slight trickle of blood emerge from one of the nostrils.

"I dunno what you're on about," Crappie grunted, releasing his hold on Link's boot, "but you're a blithering idiot if you think we're going anywhere but back in our nice, comfortable lake!"

"Wait a minute, Crappie," Karpie hushed him. "O great creature from beyond the deep," he announced, gaping up at link with a wide, bright eye as he wiggled slightly in response to the dryness beneath his scales, "if we come with you, would we be allowed to see many things? We wouldn't come to harm, would we?"

"If I know Zelda, she'll most likely put you in some kind of extravagant tank, and you'll be allowed to talk to palace guests and whatnot. You might even get taken abroad for travels, if she takes to you. She's one of those vegans, so she won't eat you; that's for sure. Really, I don't care what she does with you. I just want her to like you, so that she'll like me too!" He stared off into space and seemed to drift into one of his fantasies again. He was giggling a little, and he appeared to be touching things in front of him that weren't even there.

"I wanna go with him, Crappie!" Karpie said excitedly. "This is our big chance! We can get out of the lake and see the world!"

"Are you unhinged?!" Crappie roared. "Why are you believing any of what this creature says? He just gouged a hole in your mouth and yanked you out of the safety of the water! I say we get away from him! Come on! If we flop hard enough, we might be able to get back in!" He began squirming and flopping toward the lake, but his words had caught Link's attention, and he lunged forward, slamming himself over the frightened Magikarp.

"Oh no you don't!" He laughed. "One fish might do the trick, but two'll be even better. Besides, you don't have any choice. You two are just what I need. I'm not letting you go now!"

He pulled them up to a horse, which had been waiting in the grass twenty yards or so away. He left them there on the grass while he took a couple of water-tight sacks and went to fill them in the lake. The horse leaned her head down to the exhausted Magikarp.

"Whatever you do, don't eat the carrots!" She wheezed, staring at them with a slightly mad grin. "The carrots make you run lickety-split, but they feel like a slap on the rump! They're crazy, I tells ya! Creeeiiiggghhhh-zy!"

Crappie and Karpie stared at each other fearfully, but didn't have any response for the intimidating creature. Before long, Link had returned, hauling two large bags of water behind him.

"In you go," he said happily, whistling as he grabbed each Magikarp and plunked him down into one of the bags. "You should rest now. I want you all chipper and talkative before we get to the palace. Or else," he added, his voice marred by a frightful note of menace. Karpie gulped, and Crappie let out a pathetic kind of whimper.

Link tied a rope around the top of each bag, securing them closed. He then slung them over the back of Epona, with one bag hanging over each of the horse's rear flanks. He leapt up onto the saddle, and he dug his heels into her sides. "Onward, my faithful steed!" he shouted, pointing toward Hyrule castle and bouncing in anticipation. "To the palace!"

Epona neighed shrilly, and she ran as quickly as her spindly legs would fly. The carrots! The carrots were coming on swift wings! She had to outrace them!

Crappie and Karpie enjoyed a very uncomfortable, bouncy ride atop the horse's plunging rear legs. Although they were both thinking it, neither one of them said anything. Karpie had landed them into a very fine mess indeed.

At that very moment, a boy with black hair and a high-pitched voice woke up late from bed on his 11th birthday. All right, he thought. Time to go catch himself a little critter and make it fight other little critters for money and fame! Now that he was old enough, he could finally join his community's animal-fighting business.

Suddenly, the ghost of Ganondorf (riding on horseback) leapt out of a Britney Spears poster on the boy's wall and plunged a lance straight through the kid's heart. The boy, (his name had been Ash) was a boy of prophecy who was rumored to contain an even greater evil than that of the sorcerer himself, and Ganondorf couldn't abide anyone eviller than he.

"Ha ha!" he snickered as Ash began to fade into oblivion. "I just kicked _your_ Ash! Lol, pwnt."

"Death is only the beginning!" The boy gagged, coughing up a mouthful of blood. "I shall eat your sooouullll..." With that he expelled his dying breath and was nothing more. He will not be mentioned again in this story, and rightly so.

"This sucks worse than that Zora's dangly bits," Crappie muttered as his body slammed again and again into Epona's flanks. Neither he nor Karpie said anything else during the rest of their bumpy journey to Hyrule Castle. Their great adventure had begun.


End file.
